Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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