The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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