Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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