Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
