I wish my penis had an off switch
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she smelled like a LAN party
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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