He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
