i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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