He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
