I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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