I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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