I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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