Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize