on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
