In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
