my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
