Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
