Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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