Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
