Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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