dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
