I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
worst night to have a conscience
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
As shirtless as possible
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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