When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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