My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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