I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
