i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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