I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
