i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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