There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
