my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
