I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
