Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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