ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
