Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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