besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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