how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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