I wanna bring you to show and tell
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
