broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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