I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
