Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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