it's not cheating when I paid for it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
