Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
