He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
