paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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