Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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