So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
