Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is the high leading the old right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
