You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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