Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
