I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize