im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
