When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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