my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
