Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
