He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
