It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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