i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
