drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
