cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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