I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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