Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
