Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize