I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
