I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize