My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
