The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
