We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
