the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
