Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize