I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
