i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
