I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
