I have demons in me.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
