guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
