Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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