sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
