WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
