I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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